I hate when I go to bed and I forget to turn my swag off.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine was hit by a truck

I stay up late every night and realize it's a bad idea every morning.

Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon.

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.

I did a few researchers to get that information.

I now know I'm psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.

Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.

I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, Oh crap, she's up.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.

Of course I'm not perfect; there's a crack in my ass!

If she were a president, she'd be Baberham Lincoln.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you're a tool.

It's all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it's a new game; hide and seek.

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

Etc. End of Thinking Capacity.

I put the pro in procrastinate.

I'm great in bed; I can sleep for days.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Out of all the lies I've told, Just kidding! is my favorite.

May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Accept who you are, unless you,re a serial killer.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

After Tuesday, even the calendar goes, W T F.

Hoping that the love you shared years ago Is still as strong today as it was Then Bringing you much joy , love And happiness To celebrate again. Happy Anniversary

An anniversary is a time to celebrate the joys of today, the memories of yesterday, and the hopes of tomorrow.

Hope that your strong, sweet & soothing bond of togetherness & its freshness & fragrance continue till eternity. Happy Marriage Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to my dear love and very best friend1.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A real relationship is when destinies align, souls connect and hearts beat for each other, forever and ever just like yours. Happy anniversary.

Good relationships don't just happen. They need to be nurtured and given a foundation that is unshakable just like yours. Happy anniversary.

The fact that you don't behave like a typical husband-wife makes your marriage perfect. Happy anniversary.

Your anniversary will remind you not just of the best moments of your relationship, but also of all the strife you went through to experience those blissful moments. Happy anniversary.

In the Waltz of Life, you have proved to be the perfect dancing partners for each other and forever. Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary to a couple who has made their marriage as perfect as it is made out to be in romantic books and movies.

Even amidst difficult times, tough situations and harsh circumstances, you have proved that a happy marriage can sail you through any storm of life. Happy anniversary.

Even after so many years of living together, you both haven't got tired of each other. Here's wishing that you stay, like this forever. Happy anniversary.

As an old couple your legs may have become wobbly and beautiful wrinkles may adorn your lovely faces, but your love for each other never seems faded regardless of life's phases. Happy anniversary.

May the sunshine of happiness always break out from the clouds of misunderstandings to form a rainbow of love in your timeless marriage. Happy anniversary.