I love running. I'm not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, Now. But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.

It's true, I can't make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

I'm on a government watch list. But I'm not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase hurry up and wait.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I'm out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They're so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

I've always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, I'm sorry.

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

I hate fake people. You know what I'm talking about. Mannequins.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon.

I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.

Don't try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan. Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can't believe her, even if I could believe her.

We can't be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you're a lady, and I'm a gentleman, I'll shave mine off.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

There's no I in denial.

Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: I've moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock n roll, and I love music, but it's nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I'm treated like a normal person.

Just because you can't dance doesn't mean you shouldn't dance.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

Does it disturb anyone else that The Los Angeles Angels baseball team translates directly to The The Angels Angels?

General Mills ?is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn't that called a sponge?

Whoever named ?it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

Here's some advice: At a job ?interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have ?a huge clock right in the middle ?of the town.

Hate to break it to you, ?Facebook, but the entire Internet ?is already a Dislike button.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.

A Canadian psychologist is ?selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog ?is smarter than you.