I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

Does it disturb anyone else that The Los Angeles Angels baseball team translates directly to The The Angels Angels?

General Mills ?is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn't that called a sponge?

Whoever named ?it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

Here's some advice: At a job ?interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have ?a huge clock right in the middle ?of the town.

Hate to break it to you, ?Facebook, but the entire Internet ?is already a Dislike button.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.

A Canadian psychologist is ?selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog ?is smarter than you.

You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so ?every sentence starts out with: I heard from this guy who told somebody

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just try missing a couple of payments.

If you watch Home Alone backwards, it's a story about two men who are helped out of traps by a young child, who then cleans them up. Then, the child's family comes home and yells at him.

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry.

Wouldn't it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don't like.

Most people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

If I were a bird, I'd fly straight into a ceiling fan.

I've realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.

I hate when I go to bed and I forget to turn my swag off.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine was hit by a truck

I stay up late every night and realize it's a bad idea every morning.

Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon.

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.

I did a few researchers to get that information.

I now know I'm psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.

Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.

I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, Oh crap, she's up.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.

Of course I'm not perfect; there's a crack in my ass!

If she were a president, she'd be Baberham Lincoln.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you're a tool.

It's all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it's a new game; hide and seek.

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

Etc. End of Thinking Capacity.

I put the pro in procrastinate.

I'm great in bed; I can sleep for days.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Out of all the lies I've told, Just kidding! is my favorite.

May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.